Author: Robert Plamondon

Hens with the free run of a grass pasture not only lay more nutritious eggs, better-tasting eggs, they lay bigger eggs.

In spite of decades of selective breeding to ensure that most eggs fall into the Large size range, my hens insist on laying mostly Extra Large eggs. This is something of a nuisance, since customers prefer Large, but them’s the breaks.

The cause is presumably better nutrition. Like us, chickens should eat fresh greens in addition to processed stuff. Given half a chance, they do, and it improves the flavor, nutritional content, and size of the eggs.

Few people seem to know this, which is why people insist on building mud-yard free-range operations that have zero potential for producing a product that’s superior to what’s in the supermarket. The secret ingredient is not outdoor access, but grass.

A while ago, Staples had a promotion that entitled me to a box of fifty ball-point pens. So I took them up on it and soon I had these pens all over my house. The only problem is, they don’t write. Okay, sometimes they write, but not often, and not for long. They don’t like some kinds of paper and they tend to just balk for no reason.

Now, I’m not stupid, and that means that I’m going to avoid Staples store brands for the rest of my life. From now on, every time I try to use a pen that doesn’t work, I will think of Staples. Even if the pen is someone else’s! In spite of many positive experiences over the years, they’ve convinced me that their company is run by the kind of morons who are happy to put their name on junk.

So I ordered a box of Bic Round Stic pens from Amazon.com, which is where I’m doing all my shopping these days because of Amazon Prime, which give me “free” second-day shipping if I pay $79 a year. I already bought enough stuff on Amazon that I’d save money on the deal, but it’s pretty wild that now I can buy a lens cap of a box of pens and have free shipping. I live in the country, and a trip into town is time-consuming. Hooray for mail-order!

But back to my story. So my Bic pens came in, and on the side of the box was the following statement: “Quality Promise: Bic Does Not Make Store Brands.”

What does this mean? I think it means that Staples is not the only group of idiots in charge of advertising and promotion, and that many, many companies are dissipating their customers’ goodwill by handing out inferior pens with their name on it. Why not put your competitor’s names on crummy pens, you dimwits! Or maybe pay the extra two cents and get a pen that writes.

Bic, on the other hand, makes a good-though-unpretentious pen that lives up to its motto of, “Writes first time, every time.” If I pick up a Bic pen that’s been lying around with its cap off for a few years, it usually writes perfectly. And on their boxes, they go to the trouble of distancing themselves from their so-called competition. If you buy a pen that doesn’t say “Bic” on it, they imply, you’re asking for trouble. Fair enough.

Sometimes people ask me about competition, and my answer is always, “What competition?” I think you can see why. Hardly anyone has Bic’s good sense. They’re mostly like Staples.

My livestock water is pumped out of a brook that have the usual kinds of crud in it — bits of plant matter, bugs, silt, etc. These tend to clog livestock waterers and also the foot valve at the bottom of the inlet pipe. Sure, the foot valve is screened, sort of, but the screen is too coarse, and sometimes I have to pull the twigs and crud out of it.

So I got tired of this and looked for a finer screen. My eyes fell on an old orange string glove. Bingo! I pulled it over the foot valve and held it on with a zip tie. The water is running cleaner and the foot valve probably won’t clog for a year.

This is probably the weirdest improvised repair I’ll do all year.

Update, August 15, 2009: The glove clogged with silt and I removed it. It didn’t look a lot different when clogged, so I’m going to replace it with something that looks a lot different when clogged — window screening, perhaps. It sure worked while it lasted, though!